Hulk Write!

How the Incredible Hulk explains my life as a writer

Photo by John Benitez on Unsplash

Confessional writing can be cringe, so I will tread cautiously.
That said, nobody finds me more annoying than me. Whatever I do that makes your life a little worse or causes your eyes to roll, believe me, I would like me to not be doing that either.

One personality flaw I'm humiliated by is a ceaseless, seething hostility that always bubbles under my surface, not deeply enough at times.

For the most part, I've been able to corral it and keep it compartmentalized enough that I can live a reasonably productive life. I have a job and a family and I think that for most people, I pass the "well-adjusted" sniff test, often with flying colors.

Yet, I know the beast is there and I know it’s like a tumor that I'll never be able to completely cut out. I've come to understand that it exists on a spectrum that bounces between a grumpy suspicion and a poisonous anger rooted in my constant and increasing alienation from the currents of society. In other words, everything is such bullcrap and I just can't even anymore. Twitter (now X) is an obnoxious echo chamber for over-confident center-right types and Bluesky looks like the same for center-left triumphalists (so far at least).

As a kid, this alienation manifested in a lifelong pattern of "not fitting in," which I came to terms with a long time ago. As I've gotten older and this alienation has ramped up with the natural loneliness that kicks in during one’s middle years, I find myself very often not liking the thoughts that run through my head.

The part of me that is usually in control, what they used to call the super ego, is driven primarily by a crippling sense of hospitality and a deep need for others to feel welcome and wanted. The fact that ugly thoughts (which I will not justify by putting them in print here) coexist with my higher angels, is a constant puzzle to me.

The Big Green Guy

When I was a younger person, from the time I can first remember well up into my adulthood, I always identified strongly with Spider-Man and my collection of Amazing Spider-Man comic books is enviable (and possibly for sale some day).

In recent years, however, as I've become more and more aware of the "Beast in Me" (to quote the great Nick Lowe song), I've come to identify much more with the Hulk (also Swamp Thing -- I must have a thing for green, I guess).
For one thing, the Hulk is also a misfit. Yes, he is a Marvel hero, sometimes an Avenger, sometimes a Defender. But all the other superheroes in the Marvel universe find his presence on Earth to be a major bummer. Often he finds himself off Earth, just trying to get away from it all.

Also, he can't really stand himself either. Another good reason to leave the planet. Hulk is often ashamed of his constant smashing.

But really, I identify with Bruce Banner's frustration. He's a good guy who means well, but there's this Hulk inside him that undermines all his good intentions.

The Hulk as a Writer

Recently, an interesting storyline wrapped up in the legacy Hulk tile (it starts as Hulk #1, right after the epic run called Immortal Hulk ends).
Bruce Banner thinks he's found his solution. With a complicated mixture of technology and magic, Banner has managed to fracture his being into three parts. First, there is the Hulk's body, which functions essentially as a spaceship, a vessel that Banner travels in. At the helm of that ship is Banner's consciousness, who controls everything. Trapped in a metaphysical chamber that functions kind of like the engine room is the Hulk's consciousness.

Banner uses that part of his being like the gas pedal of his vehicle. When he needs the "ship" to level up its power, Banner produces a kind of hallucination that enrages the Hulk's consciousness, fueling the body-vessel they travel through space in.

Now of course, this all turns out badly and it is eventually revealed that Banner was swindled into this move by a being with a dark motive. But no worries; Dr. Strange comes in and saves the day (I also really love the recent Dr. Strange comics too, by the way).

Nonetheless, Banner's solution got me thinking about writing and why I feel so much better about life and the world and my place in it when I am writing regularly and productively.

Think of Banner's consciousness as my better self, the one committed to hospitality and leaving the world behind me better as I pass through it. He can't get rid of the Hulk, so he uses it as well as he can.

So think of the Hulk's consciousness as that ugly little part of me filled with envy, anger, loneliness, doubt, and suspicion. That's the part that gets aimed at fueling the Hulk's body. When it's controlled, it's a powerful fuel.
I suppose that in this analogy, the Hulk's body is my life as a writer? Not entirely sure how to extend this.

But my point is, that yes there are parts of my personality that I detest. I wish they weren't part of me. But, paradoxically, those are the things that drive my best writing. Perhaps not the essays and reflections featured in this newsletter, but certainly the fiction I write. Here are some links to three stories I've had published so far, if you’re interested.

“Doobuck’s Room” - A young girl learning about class, power, and grace in a West Virginia boarding house.

“The Garbage Artist” - A new in-sink garbage disposal leads a man to liberation and madness.

“Comfortable With a Sense of Purpose” - A midwesterner living in New York volunteers at a homeless shelter and loses his faith in church.

This summer has been a wildly successful time for my creative writing. I've drafted about 10 short stories, all of which I'm very excited about. However, each of them disturbs me in some way. To be honest, I'm a little concerned by some of the things leaking out of my typewriter as I surf that flow state.
But these stores are, to me at least, the best writing I've ever done.

I've also been putting the finishing touches on a complete draft of a novel. I'll say more about that as time goes on, but let me just tell you now that that has been an exhilarating, humiliating, and terrifying process.

What I'm trying to say is that the little Hulk in me is doing some good work. And while he's busy doing that, the Bruce Banner in me has been able to more often than not be a better citizen than he has too many times in the past.

Do you have any creative outlet that keeps you as close to sane as possible? Leave a comment below.