I've the same problem with my preferred "high horse virtues" for lack of a better term. I don't even demand that people treat each other decently anymore—I find that to be too high a bar a lot of the time. If you try and fail at it—like, try to be accommodating and in so doing become even more offensive—I'll still allow a lot of latitude. I mean, okay, you're trying. But those who couldn't be bothered with an attempt at acting decently? Yeah that grinds my gears so much I'm in danger of becoming a problem, too, at that point. I've heard that it's good for us to learn how to grieve humanity. I think I'm still working on that.
I get that dilemma. I have a strong streak of righteous indignation myself and I constantly need to keep it in check. One particular thing that really bothers me is when people are rude or cruel to retail or food-service workers. It absolutely makes me hateful when I witness something like that.
As usual, your writing is brilliant! I never thought about this comparison, especially the part about both the vampire and bully thrive by taking something away from other to fulfill what they lack in themselves. I look forward to your next post!
Thanks so much Anne. Always great to hear from you. And I do appreciate the kind words. I think by the time I finished this one, I was desperate to find some humanity in the monsters of the world.
Thank you for your writing. It is often the highlight of my inbox. This one in particular hit home and made me stop and think. It is so hard to find the balance and it is often hard to see the other side. In today's society we often forget to look at all sides. I feel our kids are programmed to only accept one view.
Thanks so much! You're right. We have such a hard time grappling with complexity and I think that has terrible consequences for how we live together. Thanks so much for the kind words.
Great article, thanks for sharing these insights. I never thought of bullies as vampires but that's a wonderful analogy. I think it's important to note that like you said, we need to be aware of why the vampire became the vampire (or the bully, the bully). It reminds me of that adage, "hurt people, hurt people."
However, I've noticed a disturbing trend in recent years, a sort of victimization of villains. I wrote a post here to process it further. There has to be a line between understanding where people are coming from and excusing their behavior, particularly if that behavior is hurting others.
Anyway, I liked reading this post, thanks for writing it.
When it comes to psychological vampirism, I have had experience with that. I had a roommate in 2000 who broke up with his girlfriend due (I think) to his clinginess. Because he was codependent, he ended up glomming onto me in an unhealthy. Anywhere I went, he followed. He needed someone to be with him at all times—“or I don’t what will happen.” It was exhausting. I was trying to be sympathetic. But there are certain personalities that are completely unreceptive to a sympathetic ear and free and open advice.
No matter how many time I told him that “she” would probably not come back, and that he should not try to force himself into a meeting with her at her workplace or with friends, what I said was dismissed and I was told that I just didn’t understand. It was as if I was living with Mrs. Gummidge: “I’m a lone, lorn creature. And everything goes contrary to me.” If I left the house without notifying him, he claimed I was intentionally avoiding him. He’d burst into tears and say I was the only friend he had. And on and on and on it went. I started to get depressed. I even felt guilty.
But I’m a constitutional bachelor and, when pushed too far, I tend to become hardhearted like Pharaoh. I finally told him that he would have to move out. Of course, I became the enemy. I had always been cold; I only cared about myself, etc., etc. I didn’t feel happy doing it. But it had to be done. Ten years later, I heard he had met someone else and that they were happily married.
But this was a learning experience to me and it made me empathize with people who find themselves in relationships with codependent people but don’t have the option to just leave. I’ve seen children treat a parent like this, and vice versa. And I can’t imagine what it would be like being married to someone for whom you’re essentially their “complement”, not their partner. It ties in with your remarks concerning bullying, because codependents bully and badger the person under their sway.
This is a great application of the dynamic I'm concerned about! Thanks for sharing your story. And yes, I have a few people in my life as well who seek out these kind of parasitic relationships. It breaks my heart, but I, like you, have had to draw certain boundaries with some people.
Great reflection, Danny. Well, I’ve always had a soft spot for vampires (mostly on the neck). Bullies, not so much. Have you read A Monster Calls? Tackles the subject brilliantly. Hope it gets sorted for student. Back to our toothy fiends though, and setting aside thoughts of Kate Beckinsale, there’s tremendous pathos and curious intimacy in the blood dependence and prolonged half-life existence. Can’t quite shake the fascination. Might be a Catholic thing!
I agree Adrian. I also love vampire movies. This is why I tried to find some sympathy for them here! For me, the 80s did it. I LOVE Fright Night and Lost Boys and movies like that. But you're right, there is also a deep religious resonance there too. Have you ever seen John Carpenter's Vampires? A very interesting religious angle there. Also Wes Craven's Dracula 2000 - fascinating origin for Dracula.
This meditation is giving me a lot to think about today! Bullying is such a pervasive part of elementary school. I feel compelled to ask myself, how can I build up kids so that they do not feel the need to tear others down?
It's so hard, Adrian. I get depressed sometimes because it seems impossible. We all root for the right people in the stories, but we can't imagine that WE are the villain sometimes.
I've the same problem with my preferred "high horse virtues" for lack of a better term. I don't even demand that people treat each other decently anymore—I find that to be too high a bar a lot of the time. If you try and fail at it—like, try to be accommodating and in so doing become even more offensive—I'll still allow a lot of latitude. I mean, okay, you're trying. But those who couldn't be bothered with an attempt at acting decently? Yeah that grinds my gears so much I'm in danger of becoming a problem, too, at that point. I've heard that it's good for us to learn how to grieve humanity. I think I'm still working on that.
I get that dilemma. I have a strong streak of righteous indignation myself and I constantly need to keep it in check. One particular thing that really bothers me is when people are rude or cruel to retail or food-service workers. It absolutely makes me hateful when I witness something like that.
As usual, your writing is brilliant! I never thought about this comparison, especially the part about both the vampire and bully thrive by taking something away from other to fulfill what they lack in themselves. I look forward to your next post!
Thanks so much Anne. Always great to hear from you. And I do appreciate the kind words. I think by the time I finished this one, I was desperate to find some humanity in the monsters of the world.
Thank you for your writing. It is often the highlight of my inbox. This one in particular hit home and made me stop and think. It is so hard to find the balance and it is often hard to see the other side. In today's society we often forget to look at all sides. I feel our kids are programmed to only accept one view.
Thanks so much! You're right. We have such a hard time grappling with complexity and I think that has terrible consequences for how we live together. Thanks so much for the kind words.
Great article, thanks for sharing these insights. I never thought of bullies as vampires but that's a wonderful analogy. I think it's important to note that like you said, we need to be aware of why the vampire became the vampire (or the bully, the bully). It reminds me of that adage, "hurt people, hurt people."
However, I've noticed a disturbing trend in recent years, a sort of victimization of villains. I wrote a post here to process it further. There has to be a line between understanding where people are coming from and excusing their behavior, particularly if that behavior is hurting others.
Anyway, I liked reading this post, thanks for writing it.
It’s a fine, perilous line you describe here, to be sure!
When it comes to psychological vampirism, I have had experience with that. I had a roommate in 2000 who broke up with his girlfriend due (I think) to his clinginess. Because he was codependent, he ended up glomming onto me in an unhealthy. Anywhere I went, he followed. He needed someone to be with him at all times—“or I don’t what will happen.” It was exhausting. I was trying to be sympathetic. But there are certain personalities that are completely unreceptive to a sympathetic ear and free and open advice.
No matter how many time I told him that “she” would probably not come back, and that he should not try to force himself into a meeting with her at her workplace or with friends, what I said was dismissed and I was told that I just didn’t understand. It was as if I was living with Mrs. Gummidge: “I’m a lone, lorn creature. And everything goes contrary to me.” If I left the house without notifying him, he claimed I was intentionally avoiding him. He’d burst into tears and say I was the only friend he had. And on and on and on it went. I started to get depressed. I even felt guilty.
But I’m a constitutional bachelor and, when pushed too far, I tend to become hardhearted like Pharaoh. I finally told him that he would have to move out. Of course, I became the enemy. I had always been cold; I only cared about myself, etc., etc. I didn’t feel happy doing it. But it had to be done. Ten years later, I heard he had met someone else and that they were happily married.
But this was a learning experience to me and it made me empathize with people who find themselves in relationships with codependent people but don’t have the option to just leave. I’ve seen children treat a parent like this, and vice versa. And I can’t imagine what it would be like being married to someone for whom you’re essentially their “complement”, not their partner. It ties in with your remarks concerning bullying, because codependents bully and badger the person under their sway.
This is a great application of the dynamic I'm concerned about! Thanks for sharing your story. And yes, I have a few people in my life as well who seek out these kind of parasitic relationships. It breaks my heart, but I, like you, have had to draw certain boundaries with some people.
Great reflection, Danny. Well, I’ve always had a soft spot for vampires (mostly on the neck). Bullies, not so much. Have you read A Monster Calls? Tackles the subject brilliantly. Hope it gets sorted for student. Back to our toothy fiends though, and setting aside thoughts of Kate Beckinsale, there’s tremendous pathos and curious intimacy in the blood dependence and prolonged half-life existence. Can’t quite shake the fascination. Might be a Catholic thing!
I agree Adrian. I also love vampire movies. This is why I tried to find some sympathy for them here! For me, the 80s did it. I LOVE Fright Night and Lost Boys and movies like that. But you're right, there is also a deep religious resonance there too. Have you ever seen John Carpenter's Vampires? A very interesting religious angle there. Also Wes Craven's Dracula 2000 - fascinating origin for Dracula.
Upon your recommendations, I can once more hear the cries of the undead high over the mists of a cold November night.
This meditation is giving me a lot to think about today! Bullying is such a pervasive part of elementary school. I feel compelled to ask myself, how can I build up kids so that they do not feel the need to tear others down?
It's so hard, Adrian. I get depressed sometimes because it seems impossible. We all root for the right people in the stories, but we can't imagine that WE are the villain sometimes.